Communication
Talking to your partner about entering the lifestyle
Communication is a major part of any relationship. Communication in the lifestyle is even more important. Take the time and make the effort to make good communication a priority in your relationship and everything else gets easier. Communication really can be the magical ingredient to successful sexy fun with your partner.
Honesty
First and foremost, successful communication requires honesty. You must be honest with yourself and your partner. If you are not honest, all the communication in the world isn’t going to help you.
You cannot support each other if you are not honest. Do not keep secrets from your partner. Share your thoughts and feelings about your interest in the lifestyle and ask your partner about their thoughts and feelings.
No Judgment
Most people don’t like to be judged, so don’t do it to the person you love. Do not be critical or dismissive of whatever your partner communicates to you. Listen, ask questions, and learn more. Be open minded, not judgmental.
Being judgmental can cause your partner to reject enjoying the lifestyle with you. It’s okay to be surprised by something said. Also okay to not be into the same things, to have different kinks. Completely fine to not understand something your partner says. It is not okay to have a closed mind or be critical of anything your partner says to you. If you don’t understand something your partner says, ask for clarification. Give each other time to find the right words to express thoughts, feelings, and desires. You and your partner must be able to talk about anything, even when it’s uncomfortable. You have to be able to listen too, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Having honest judgment free conversations leads to learning more about each other. Learning more about each other leads to more sexy fun…and that’s the goal!
Start Talking
Now it’s time for the big conversation. Sure, sometimes starting a conversation about sex is difficult. Do it anyway. If you never talk about trying it, you’ll never get to actually do it.
Enter this conversation with an open mind and open ears. You are prepared to be honest and talk without judgment. Hopefully you and your partner have had some really fun fantasy talk during sex. Maybe you’ve had a couple of not too serious conversations about entering the lifestyle.
Sometimes the best way to start a conversation is simply telling your partner you want to have a talk. It’s probably easier to talk a day or two after some really great fantasy talk happened during sex. Begin by saying you really liked the fantasy and have thought about making it a reality. Or have the conversation after sex. Laying in bed together, enjoying that wonderful feeling after great sex, can be a good time to start talking.
Do not be discouraged if your partner’s first reaction is an outright no. Ask why not. Let your partner know you are serious. Tell your partner you want to explore sexual things together. It’s okay to end the conversation and talk about it again another time. It’s like planting a seed. You don’t get a 40 foot tree over night. The seed takes time to grow. Let the seed sit and come back to it again.
Boundaries
Ethical Non-monogamy requires a lot of discussing. Talk about everything. A topic to focus on is boundaries. If you are not sure of your boundaries, say so! Establishing boundaries together can be a bonding experience. Of course, if you already have some boundaries in mind, don’t keep quiet. Speak up. Remember all of this is about communicating honestly so you can enjoy the lifestyle together. Listen, truly listen, to any boundaries communicated by your partner.
Disagreements & Compromise
I would love to say Jack and I never disagree about lifestyle things, but I won’t lie to you. Disagreements happen. When you disagree be calm, be honest, and do not fight dirty! Keep the discussion on the topic at hand and work together to find a middle ground. When we disagree we take the time and effort to explain our point of view to each other. Understanding the reason behind something most often leads to us coming into agreement.
Compromise is part of any relationship. You and your partner must both be willing to compromise. Something very important about compromising though: a compromise should never result in either of you doing something you are opposed to. Comfort levels are important. It’s okay to be on different levels, but you work to find that common ground. I’ve heard it said many times that you move at the speed of the slowest person in the relationship. On the surface that sounds great, but in reality it can lead to resentment. There were things Jack and I were each hesitant about when we first started. Our biggest compromise wasn’t really a compromise at all, just a promise to each other. We agreed to stay open minded and explore with each other with the understanding we both have equal right to put a stop to something at any time and talk about it later. Best compromise we ever made.
Additional Things to Talk About
When you start having these conversations with your partner there are additional things to talk about. It’s not just all about boundaries and desires. Jack and I talked about why we wanted to include other people in our relationship. We talked about what we value as a couple and as individuals. We talked about wants and desires, possible jealousy, and insecurities, and why we wanted to move forward with entering the lifestyle.
As time goes on we communicate about things as they come up. Boundaries, desires, and feelings can change over time. We talked after each play time at the beginning and now just ask if we need a check in. Simply asking if there is anything your partner wants to talk about is an easy way to check in with each other before and after play time. Communication doesn’t end after you enter the lifestyle.
Non-Verbal Communication
Communication is more than just words. Secret signals allow you to communicate with your partner without saying things aloud. Non-verbal communication can make hotwife and swinger experiences easier.
Some couples have agreed upon signals to communicate yes or no about playing with another person or couple. One couple I know crosses their fingers for a yes and crosses their legs for a no. It’s simple enough to remember, yet not something that would stand out to other people. I’ve heard about couples touching their partner’s leg to convey yes and twisting a ring for a no. Some people use code words. Find what works for the two of you.
Honest Minute: Jack and I do not have secret signals or code words. If we want to talk about something privately and we’re at the club I simply say we need a restroom break. Jack usually asks if I want to go outside for a few minutes. Walking to the restroom together or going outside gives us a moment to talk something over. We also have no problem telling other people we need a minute alone to talk. No one has ever had a problem with it. It is understood couples need to communicate with each other and to give them a minute or two to do so.
Keep in Mind
Make your partner a priority. And your partner should make you a priority too. Support each other. Be loyal to each other. Listen to each other. Don’t wait for play time to be passionate about each other. Show your partner you are passionate about them on a daily basis, not just when it comes to sex. Grab his ass when he walks by you in the house. Give her a kiss for no reason except she’s there. Do nice things for each other because you love each other.
Communication is vital to your relationship as you enter and continue in the lifestyle. It doesn’t matter if you are a hotwife, swingers, poly, or anything else. If you do not have great communication skills, make that a priority. Step back from moving forward with the sex and focus on your relationship. Good communication in the lifestyle is how you stay connected, avoid mistakes, and get through tough times together.
And finally, don’t pressure each other into doing anything, but encourage each other to be open to new things, sexually and just generally in life.
Next post will be more about boundaries. It can actually be a fun and interesting conversation with your partner.
