Boundaries in the Lifestyle

 Helping you feel safe and secure

Talking about boundaries with your partner can be a fun and interesting conversation. Sexy too. Communicating your boundaries leads to sharing fantasies and desires, which of course leads to more sexy fun.

You and your partner should talk about everything. Talk about doubts, worries, desires, and boundaries. If you are not sure of your boundaries, say so! Establishing boundaries together can be a bonding experience. Of course, if you already have some boundaries in mind, don’t keep quiet. Speak up. Remember all of this is about enjoying the lifestyle together.

Why Have Boundaries

Boundaries help you and your partner feel safe and secure in your decision to be part of the lifestyle. Boundaries put you on the same page about what to expect, what is okay and not okay when you invite other people to join your sex life. You decide together what is acceptable and what is too special to be shared with other people. Some things can be reserved for just the two of you to enjoy together. Jack and I have a couple of things that are just for us and that’s a good thing. Those things are special. And establishing boundaries helps your communication too. You have to be able to clearly communicate what you want and do not want. When we started seriously talking about things I had some concerns, so we talked about it and set up boundaries we were both happy with. Setting boundaries helped us know we were making the right decision to start this sexy adventure.

Hard & Soft Boundaries

Hard boundaries are the things that are not likely to change ever and can only be changed with serious discussion, never spur of the moment. The most common hard boundary is relationship first. This is definitely a hard boundary for me and Jack. What we do is for us, never a selfish act for just one of us. We will not do something that will cause harm or hurt to each other.

Soft boundaries are ones that can change with little discussion. These are usually boundaries set by one person that are more limiting than what the other partner is open to. An example is setting a boundary on how often you play. The wife may not want to play more than once every three months, but the husband says once a week is fine with him. If she decides she wants to play two weekends in one month a serious discussion is not needed. She set the more restrictive boundary so she only needs to let her husband know she wants to change it. Of course, it could lead to more discussion if he wants to know why she changed her mind, but it could be as simple as letting him know her new boundary. For us, soft boundaries are determined by how much is involved in making changes. Easy to change equals soft boundary.

Common Boundaries

Boundaries can be physical and non-physical. Some people have physical boundaries like no kissing, no anal sex, or soft swap only. Other physical boundaries are same room play only while other couples prefer separate rooms.

The most common physical boundary is condoms. Most couples require condoms or penetrative sex is not an option. Even if pregnancy is not a concern, sexually transmitted diseases are. Condoms keep everyone involved safer.

Other common physical boundaries include only playing together (no solo play allowed), no leaving marks, no pain, no oral sex, no holding hands, no cuddling or snuggling, no sleeping over, no playing on the first date or meeting, and no repeats (no established sexual relationships outside of the marriage).

Non-physical boundaries are important too. Common non-physical boundaries include no private communications, only group communication, and no emotional connections. No emotional connection keeps things on a sexy friendship level. Some couples also set moral boundaries, such as not playing with only half of a married couple. It’s all up to you.

Boundaries also determine how much of your personal lives you share with others. Jack and I do not share much about our lives. What we tell about our work, where we live, and our families is very limited. At the club chatting with people we are not comfortable sharing details of our life, so we don’t. Establish boundaries about what you are willing to tell others.

How Many Boundaries

You can have as many or as few boundaries as you and your partner are happy with. The more boundaries you have though, the more likely you or your partner will cross or blur a boundary in the moment. Too many boundaries can also reduce the number of people you may play with because of the limitations placed on them. Have as many boundaries as you need to be comfortable, but try not to be too restrictive. Reducing boundaries as you and your partner become more comfortable with things is okay too.

And Finally

Being in agreement on your boundaries in the lifestyle is the most important part of boundaries. Do not let other people tell you what your boundaries should be.

Remember boundaries may change over time. As you get more comfortable in the lifestyle and as you grow as individuals and a couple your boundaries can change. Being in agreement about your boundaries in the lifestyle is the most important thing. Be willing to re-evaluate as time goes on. Previously something was off limits, but may now be a possibility. Did you try something new and decide you do not want to do that again?  Have a conversation about it and adjust those boundaries.

You’re in this together.  Communicate, explore, and go have sexy fun together!    

Honest Minute:

I decided not to include too many of the boundaries Jack and I have. You and your partner should decide your boundaries.  Other people should not determine your limits. I will happily share our boundaries if you want to know, just ask.